hard day

lately i was break with my boyfriend..it was 1 week..realy hard to through it..and full of confuse, hurt, afraid, but finaly im surrender and hopeless.i was realize that i have to accept all.even it's hurt.yup he need my answer..i will be with him or not next year..and i have been talk to him about faith.it's realy important to me and my family especialy my parent.they are religious..i was affraid.the fear like night mare for me.everyday..but i already confess to my boyfriend..it's realy hard.i felt like realy hopeless.i was down.my soul my heart is can't touch...i didn't know all like blowing out my mind i didn't know what i had to do..
he realy hate me..i know he was mad because what i did.i know he hurt because of me..because all the thing suck like that.make my brain drain..hurt honey i knew..u know when we were break almost everyday i was crying..crying and crying..thinking about all realy hard..it's not fair.why????and than i just could to pray to make me calm down and need help from God..just to show me what i had to do..

finaly my boyfriend can accept that and he was decision something realy important for me..make me calm.make me like im still have hopefull about us..so i think i should to dont give up..keep positif thinking..
yeah i should.
but today i was speak again with my boyfriend.i know he is afraid..but realy that make me down again..he wondering about my parent that will not give us permision to merried and life together.it's hurt but i know he was confuse about all.i know relationship like this is not normal like usualy people fallen in love..i know that.
but how we can know about all if we are not try something to first.but i know how he is like that..i know//im sory honey make me feel like this..
I LOVE u im sorry.be honest i dont wanna make u including in this part..u know i realy happy if i can be with u..and i will tell to my parent..but is not like just tell to them and then that's all..noooo i will being try to make them give us permission..realy..because i realy LOVE u..
iulian im sorry if sometimes i realy quiet if u tell to me something..not becoz of im not serious to u but that's becouse of my languege and i dont know i always speechless.fuck why i have to be like that..but what can i do..that's i am..
idiot shittt!!!!ouhh foolish
oke dont blame blame blame it...
this is big problem for me u know.but i realy dont regret that i love u and i know u.
did u know?this feeling is realy wonderfull..
what do u think why i can love u iulian and then i dont wanna lose u??
u know what is that?
because i feel it's not afair if we cant be together.i love u and u love me..u have good purpose ,planing..u wanna married me ,serious it's realy took my breath away..
i know we are defferent culture,skin,country so many much about deferent but only u can make me thinking about my future iulian and thinking how if realy i can be with u in my whole life.. strange..that what i feel sometimes..
u know iulian before i met u here..i was thinking that boys is suck for all.just can make me hurt, betray me,playing girls,lie to me,,huuhhhfff....but u was breaking that.

huuhhhffff almost morning but i cant sleep right know..im still thinking about u honey..about us..
tonight,cold but im not feeling that..i dont know but im going be mad like this..arrgghhhhhhhhhhhhh i wanna screaminggggggggggggggggggggggggg
i wanna dying realy..oh my god Allah..forgive me..i know im sinner..im not a perfect muslim..bad girl..but i wanna be better people god..i dont wanna make mistake like before..like my past..no more mistakes..i hate that..i wanna be better show me what i have to do for my life..
no one understand me ALLah only u know who i am..even myself i dont know.