complicated

The first word for when I just thinking now.it' feel so wierd right now, I don't know feel emptyness,worry,my body like shaking coz my heartbeat like unusual.
Sometimes I feel like a kite, they pull me but they let me fly also.great a game!realy playing me.I don't understand with people around me now.
However I realise maybe they can say that I'm bored girl. Ouh god I'm absurd now
This year realy hard for me. I have to strugle. Hard and keep it until the end. But I can't do that just alone. (Sigh) I hate that word.I need people care of me give me attention.
Ouhh great im dreaming.it is such as need something imposible,but probably not.
Am I deserve it?
I don't know realy. God I don't know what I have to do now and after.I think that I realy can
Rely on this thing to people around me, just only u can help me. Give me way ...how??
I need you ya rabb.
When in mybirthday this month,that was feel not realy good.who people realy have big impact for me.he acted wierd until few days, not exactly,emmm have been more than a week.
What this is all about, I wanna open my eyes when I waked up in the morning. But I didn't realy want actualy
Everything like abstrak, I don't know how to explain or describe what I feel now, yesterday, lately..ouhh god its freaking me out

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saturday alone again

today emm i dont now what i have to call it..lucky or bad luck...today i was interview for getting job.i dont know what i have to do again..so i think i need a job..even part time is ok..i need this job until the graduate.ok leave about that
i feel so empty now..im tired and sick about all of this..i dont know what iam thinking exactly now..just feel so lonely...sadness ,emptyness..those like my bad friends for me..i need to can figure it out..to find something can make me feel CHANGE.or i dont know..this is realy sucks!!!i realy need ur help god..becasause everything just will be nothing,imposible and doesn't mean anything without ur blessing..im tired here..i just like wanna running away...away from all the things..God i hope that i can realy make all my dreams to be come true..i won't fall again..i know that everything is like so hard to through it.
sometimes that i feel like i dont know why iam here..live here..and alive..this world realy complicated..so many things that i cannot solve it.
and this is realy crazy life...
iam sit here..front of computer again..and still dont know what will happen tomorow...die or still live and through somethings again..
emmm i know that it's sound like a proud..so dare said like that..but im not ,this is the reality..this is what i feel..but i dont wanna be proud people..because if give me question that "do u wanna die tomorow?"of course NOT i say. iam still not enaugh to can responsibility of what i was doing here to be a human being.,,
so that's realy complicated huuhhhh??
i dont know later soon as possible it will be worse or better..
all the things..

im still have chance...to can make it good and better and better...happily ever and after